French’s International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
j the United States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 


No. 252 


TROUBLE BY MAIL 


a ComeOB in One Bet 


BY 


JOHN M. FRANCIS 


Copyright, 1913, by Samuel French 


Notice. —The Professional acting rights of this play are reserved by 
the publisher, and permission for such performances must be ob¬ 
tained before performances are given. This notice does not apply 
to amateurs, who may perform the play without permission. All 
unauthorized professional productions will be prosecuted to the 
full extent of the law. 


New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th STREET 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 


e 


© © » 















TROUBLE BY MAIL 


B ComefcE in ©nc act 


BY 

JOHN M. FRANCIS 


Copyright, 1913, by Samuel French 


\ 


Notice.—T he Professional acting rights of this play are reserved by 
the publisher, and permission for such performances must be ob¬ 
tained before performances are given. This notice does not apply 
to amateurs, who may perform the play without permission. All 
unauthorized professional productions will be prosecuted to the 
full extent of the law. 


New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 West 3Sth Street 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 






TMP96-006407 


✓ 

©U.D 33926 
tkjn > 



TROUBLES BY MAIL. 


CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

James Banker, aged about thirty years, well 
dressed. 

James Guest, his friend, same description. 

Martha Banker, Banker’s wife, pretty, about 
twenty-eight years old, well dressed. 

Shirley Shirley of Shirley, Mass., Mrs. 
Banker’s friend, about the same age, well dressed in 
pretty traveling dress. 

Servant, either maid servant or butler. 

THE PLOT. 

James Banker’s jealousy is aroused by a telephone 
call for Mrs. Banker from some unknown person. 
He thinks it is from his chum, James Guest, who 
is an old college flame of his wife. His suspicions 
are further confirmed by his wife telling him of a 
bet she has made with Guest about his inability to 
recognize Guest’s voice over the telephone. Com¬ 
plications then follow the finding of a letter, signed 
“ Jim,” that Guest drops out of an overcoat pocket. 
Mrs. Banker also becomes jealous by finding an¬ 
other letter from her best friend, Shirley Shirley. 
The letter is intended really for Guest, who has 

3 



4 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


dropped it out of his coat pocket. In the midst of 
this jealousy, Shirley arrives. She becomes in¬ 
volved in the melee. Everything is straightened 
out by the arrival of a telegram, stating that Guest’s 
maiden aunt who has refused to permit Guest to 
marry, had died leaving Guest a million dollars. 

THE PROPERTIES. 

Desk, telephone on desk, writing materials in 
desk, table, two chairs, attorney’s letter for Mrs. 
Banker, overcoat for Guest in the pocket of which 
is letter from Shirley, overcoat for Banker, boa and 
gloves for Mrs. Banker, list of names for Guest, 
letter in unaddressed envelope for Guest, letter 
from Shirley on desk, telegram for Jim, traveling 
bag for Shirley. 

THE STAGE. 



There are three entrances—left, right and center. 
The room can be furnished more elaborately than 
here shown, only the necessary furniture is given. 

The play is laid in the house of James Banker. 
The time is afternoon of a cool fall day. 








TROUBLES BY MAIL. 


On the rise of the curtain, Banker is discovered 
at desk, writing. After a short time the telephone 
rings. 

B. ( impatiently) Well. Yes; this is Banker’s 
residence. No. She’s out. What? Hello. Hello. 
Hump. He’s hung up. (continues writing. Stops 
suddenly and thinks, tapping teeth with pen handle) 
That man’s called her up three times yesterday and 
twice to-day, and when he found he could not reach 
her he said never mind and rang off before I could 
get his name. Voice sounded familiar, too, very 
familiar. (resumes writing. Stops and thinks) 
„ Martha can’t be having a flirtation. No; it’s im¬ 
possible. We’ve only been married for six months, 
and she’s so devoted. No; it’s not possible. Such 
a thought is unworthy of her. She’s the dearest 
girl in all the world. (resumes writing) 

(Enter Mrs. Banker, center. She has just been to 
a tea. Goes to chair right of table, taking off 
gloves and boa.) 

Mrs. B. I had a glorious time. Sally was there 
and she told me that Edith was engaged to—who do 
you think? 

B. ( absentmindedly) Y-e-s. ( writes) 



6 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


Mrs. B. To Jack Withington. 

B. Is that so? 

Mrs. B. To Jack Withington. Just think of it. 
She never looked at him at all last winter. Sally 
said it was a regular summer flirtation. It began, 
Sally said, because Edith was jealous of Clarence 
Hopely. 

B. ( endeavoring to write) Foolish for people to 
be jealous, isn’t it? 

Mrs. B. Very. Any telephone calls for me? 

B. A man’s been trying to get you. Wouldn’t 
leave any name. 

Mrs. B. Who was he? 

B. His voice was familiar, sounded like—like— 

Mrs. B. It couldn’t have been Jim, could it? 

B. By George, that’s who it was—Jim. I 
thought I recognized the voice. ( suspiciously) 
What could he want? He’s staying here. 

Mrs. B. ( laughing) That’s a joke on you. 
Yesterday morning at breakfast when you went out 
for a paper, we discussed your inability to recognize 
voices over the ’phone. 

B. Mine? 

Mrs. B. Jim said you wouldn’t be able to tell 
his, and I said that such a statement was ridiculous. 

B. I should say so. 

Mrs. B. So Jim bet me that he would be able to 
call me up and you would not be able to know who 
he was. 

B. It was a bet. 

Mrs. B. Five pounds of candy, and I guess I’ve 
lost. Jim’s such a funny fellow, isn’t he? 

B. ( stagey laugh) Yes, so funny. Trying to 
make me jealous, is he? 

Mrs. B. ( surprised) Why, Jim. 

B. ( with determination) But he can’t; I’m not 
jealous. 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


7 


Mrs. B. Why should you be? Have I ever- 

B. Of course not—never. ( affectionately) 
Why, little girl, I should like to see anything that 
could make me jealous of you. 

(Enter servant with mail, center. After handing it 
to Banker, she exits center.) 

B. ( sorting mail) The idea is too absurd be¬ 
cause— ( picking out a letter) Here’s one for you. 
(hands it to his wife) 

Mrs. B. I wonder who it’s from. ( opens it) 

B. ( aside as she reads) I wonder who it’s from; 
looks like Jim’s handwriting. If it is, this joke’s 
being carried too far. (Mrs. Banker has finished 
reading. She nervously attempts to hide letter) 
Who is it from, dearie? 

Mrs. B. O, it’s from someone. 

B. ( suspiciously) It is; that’s funny. ( forced 
laugh) I suppose Jim’s telling you what a fine 
joke lie’s had on me. 

Mrs. B. Perhaps, (aside) I can’t show him 
this. 

B. (angry) Who is it from? 

Mrs. B. Why, Jim. You’re actually—yes, I 
believe you’re jealous. 

B. Absurd. Didn’t I just tell you- 

Mrs. B. (going towards him affectionately) Of 
course you aren’t, my dear. I—I—was just joking. 
That story about Jim’s telephone bet- 

B. (snappishly) Well. 

Mrs. B. It was just made up to see if I could 
make you jealous. 

B. (surprised) But you found you couldn’t, 
didn’t you? I couldn’t be jealous; it isn’t in my 
make-up. But tell me, who’s the letter from? 

Mrs. B. (very affectionately) Teasing again. 





8 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


Well, I am going to prove to you you can’t be 
made jealous by not telling you who the letter is 
from. ( affectionately slapping Banker’s hand) 
There, that’s to punish me for suspecting me about 
the telephone. 

B. ( pleased) Martha, you’re lovely. 

Mrs. B. And if you are very good from now 
until dinner. I’ll—I’ll show you the letter- 

B. Martha. 

Mrs. B. Perhaps; but you must be a good boy. 
(exits, left) 

B. ( looking after her) By George, that girl’s 
irresistible, (with determination) Jealous of her? 
Well, I guess not; she’s as true as steel, (goes 
hack to desk) And now for those messages, (re¬ 
sumes writing) 

(Enter James Guest, center. He wears an over¬ 
coat. He throws overcoat on back of chair, 
right of table. Note drops out of overcoat 
pocket on to chair.) 

J. I certainly am enjoying my visit. That tea 
was great. 

B. Martha enjoyed it. 

J. I’m a regular social success. 

B. Good thing for you you have a wealthy aunt 
to finance you. You don’t know how to work. 

J. She won’t let me. She says it’s not gentle¬ 
manly. She won’t let me marry, either. 

B. Why? 

J. (laughing) She says it’s not gentlemanly. 

B. Not gentlemanly? 

J. She’s convinced that sooner or later all 
married persons are divorced and she says it is 
vulgar for anybody to appear in court and get their 
names in the papers. So I am dependent upon her 



TROUBLES BY MAIL 


9 


whims. She says she is going to leave me all her 
money, so until she dies, I must bob about; but 
when she passes on, I’m going to break loose. 
{going to desk) How are the notes coming on? 

B. {shozvs note) Here’s the one for Billy. 

J. Great. Old Billy will never suspect the joke. 
How embarrassed he’ll be to get this from Mabel 
the evening before his marriage. 

B. {becoming more pleasant) It’ll recall old 
times. 

J. {examining handwriting) I don’t see how you 
can copy handwriting so cleverly. 

B. I’ve had a lot of fun with it. Do you remem¬ 
ber the excuses I used to write for you at college. 

J. Even Mother couldn’t tell they were forgeries. 
{takes list out of pocket. In doing so, letter in 
unaddressed envelope drops out and falls on floor 
beside desk) But let’s check up and see that you 
have them all. 

B. {laying letter aside) There’s Billy’s, from 
Mabel; and Sam’s, from— {they inspect list) Yes, 
they’re all right. I’ll take them and telephone Nials 
at the club so that there will be no mistake in 
delivering them, {takes up telephone) It’s a busy 
person, this being best man at a wedding, {to 
telephone operator) Give me— What’s the num¬ 
ber, Jim ? 

B. {crossing stage to left) Metropolitan 122445. 

J. {to telephone) Metropolitan 12— What’s 
the rest? 

B. 2445. 

J. 2445— What?—I can’t remember the ex¬ 
change— The Mercury Club. 

B. Metropolitan 122445. 

J. Metropolitan 122445. {telephones) 

B. {aside) That voice was his. Martha’s de¬ 
ceiving me. It was Jim. I’ll ask him. 


10 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


J. And be sure about it. (hangs up receiver ) 
There. That’s done. Everything’s O. K. 

B. ( seriously ) Everything isn’t O. K., Jim. 

J. What’s the matter? 

B. I’m going to talk seriously with you, and I 
want you to play fair with me. 

J. Jim Banker, of course I’ll play fair with you. 
Something’s happened. I thought you were grouchy 
when I came in here. What’s the trouble, old man ? 

B. Have you telephoned my wife? 

J. Telephoned your wife? Of course, I have. 
Why, in those early days, I used to spend several 
hours daily telling Martha what a nice girl she was, 
hoping for a dinner invitation- 

B. I don’t mean then. I mean to-day or yester¬ 
day. 

J. ( mystified ) No, I don’t think- 

B. It isn’t time to think. Did you—yes or no? 

J. No. Can’t I- 

B. No; you can’t. 

J. Jim Banker, I never thought it of you. 
Jealous—and jealous of your old chum at that. 
(shakes head) 

B. Jealous. Absurd. I’m not jealous. Noth¬ 
ing could make me jealous of Martha, or Martha 
of me. 

J. Nothing? Bosh. I’ve made you jealous with¬ 
out trying. What could I do if I wanted to try? 
I could make both of you jealous. 

B. I won’t listen to you. It’s too absurd. 

J. You’re so sure of yourself, I’ve a mind to 
prove it, but no, I like you both too well. 

B. (with determination) Go ahead with your 
proof. 

J. Nope. 

B. ( savagely) I dare you. 





TROUBLES BY MAIL n 

J; Nonsense, Jim, you don’t know what you’re 
saying. 

B. I wouldn’t let anybody call a bluff I made. 

J. {with determination) All right. I’ll prove it. 
You just write the letter I dictate. (Banker 
hesitates) 

J. My test’s no good unless you do as I say. 

B. All right, {goes to desk) 

J. {walking up and dozen stage as he dictates) 
Let’s see. “ Dearest Martha: This will prove to 
you what an injustice you have done me. Your 
devoted husband, Jim. There, {sits down at chair, 
left of table, very much pleased with himself) 

B. There? 

J. Send it to her. 

B. {writing) Mrs. James Banker. (Jim goes to 
desk and looks over Banker’s shoulder) 

J. Not in your own handwriting. Imitate some 
woman’s. 

B. {picks up Shirley’s note on the desk) That 
looks pretty good. 

J. Now, down in the corner of the envelope put 
some girl’s name—Edwina or Edwythe or some¬ 
thing light and fluffy like that and mark it personal. 

B. I have the very name, {writing and smiling) 
Shirley. (Jim starts) After the trotter I hope to 
buy for her this afternoon as a surprise for her 
birthday to-morrow. There, {blotting envelope) 
I’m expecting to hear from that deal at any time 
(Banker fixes letter. Jim has not been paying any 
attention) 

J. {aside, thoughtfully) Shirley, if he only knew. 

B. You send this to her from the club, {they 
exit, center) 

{Enter Mrs. Banker, left.) 

Mrs. B. {laughing). Jim’s jealous. I really 


12 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


couldn’t help making him so for I couldn’t show 
him this letter. I felt it was that hateful, old bill 
I’ve been owing so long for the inkstand I gave 
Jim last Christmas. It was the bill, enclosed in this 
horrid note. What did he say: “ Dear Madam: 
Smith & Co. have authorized the collection of this 
bill. To avoid litigation, please remit at once and 
oblige. Yours truly. B. Mulligan, attorney.” 
Isn’t that dreadful? What will I do? I’m glad 
Shirley’s coming. She is such a help in a scrape. 
( walking to desk) Her letter’s so queer. “ I will 
arrive, to-morrow afternoon—that’s to-day—I hope 
you can store me somewhere. I have a reason for 
coming to New York that I cannot explain just 
now. You’ll understand later. You’re old school 
chum, Shirley.” ( telephone rings) Hello. No. 
I’m not Mr. Banker. I’m Mrs. Banker. Will I do? 
Tell him— What? Tell him that Shirley wants 
him? Hello. Hello, {jigs telephone up and down) 
Shirley wants him. What does Shirley want of 
him ? 

{Enter servant, center. Hands Mrs. Banker a 

letter.) 

Ser. A boy just delivered it. 

Mrs. B. A letter for him from {reads corner) 
from—from Shirley. {to servant) That’ll do. 
{servant bows and exits, center) The—the—im¬ 
pudence. To write me that she is coming here for 
a reason that she cannot explain, to telephone that 
she wants him and—and—to write him here, {she 
sits in chair, right of table and weeps. Suddenly 
feels note on chair. Picks it up and reads it) A 
note in her handwriting, {reads) Dearest Jim. 
{turns over page) I’ll see you shortly and unex¬ 
pectedly. Your own loving Shirley.” {cries) 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


13 


Married only six months and this. ( angrily) 
James Banker, you will suffer for this insult. I 
will place this note on his desk in his den with my 
own hands so he’ll know that I know all. (exits, 
right) 

(Enter, center, Banker.) 

B. (looking around ) Thought I’d come back to 
see the fun. Wonder if the letter’s arrived yet. 
Probably on the desk, (goes to desk and discovers 
letter on the floor) Ah. Here it is. (picks it up) 
No, this envelope isn’t addressed. (opens and 
reads) “ My dearest darling: ” (inspects envelope 
and letter again) Jim’s handwriting, (reads) “ I 
cannot tell you how much I love you. It is more 
satisfactory to write, and besides it is safer, too, 
for there are no eavesdroppers. Conversations 
overheard are frequently misunderstood. (turns 
over page) Your own Jim.” (crumples letter in 
hand) So, Jim Guest, I was right. Renewing 
your old college flirtation with Martha, are you?—• 
right under my own roof, too. I’ll put this in 
Martha’s boudoir on her sewing table with my own 
hands so she’ll know that I know all about her 
treachery, (exits, deft) 

(Enter Jim, center. He looks about.) 

J. I must have dropped them. They aren’t 
here, (feeling in pockets) I wouldn’t have Jim or 
Martha find them for the world. Both of them are 
gossips and if they found those letters, the cat would 
be out of the bag and the news would reach Auntie 
who would immediately cut me off without a cent 
and I need the money too badly, (looks about) 

(Enter Mrs. Banker, right.) 

Mrs. B. (too frustrated to notice Jim’s hunting. 


14 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


She speaks aside) My husband’s chum. Til confide 
in him. (to Jim) Jim, I’m in trouble. 

J. (aside) So am I. 

Mrs. B. As my husband’s best friend, I appeal 
to you. 

J. (taken back) Why, th-thank you. 

Mrs. B. (showing letter) Do you see that? 

J. (reaching for letter and aside) Shirley’s 
letter. 

Mrs. B. (retaining letter) No. That’s my hus¬ 
band’s property. 

J. (suspiciously) Your husband’s? 

Mrs. B. Yes. She wrote him. She, my best 
friend. She tricked me. She’s written him. 

J. Let me have it. 

Mrs. B. No. I had intended placing it on his 
desk, but I’ve changed my mind. I’ll give it to 
him myself. 

J. I must have that letter. 

Mrs. B. You shall not shield him. I will give it 
to him. I will charge him with his treachery to his 
face. 

J. Just let me read the letter. 

Mrs. B. (hands him letter) There, read it. 

J. It certainly is expressive. 

(R e-enter Banker, left. Mrs. Banker and Jim 
are looking over letter with their backs towards 
Banker.) 

Mrs. B. My dearest. 

B. (aside in stage whisper) Her dearest. 

Mrs. B. (still reading) I have longed for you. 

B. (aside) She has longed for him. 

J. (putting letter in his pocket) There’s no need 
now for this letter. 

Mrs. B. We’ll talk it over in the den where we 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


15 

will not be disturbed. ( exit Mrs. Banker and 
Jim, right) 

B. {goes to door and listens) Do my ears deceive 
me? I would have trusted Martha with my life, and 
Jim, too. They have wrecked my home—my happi¬ 
ness—after just six months. It was a good thing I 
changed my mind about this letter. ( waves letter) 
I will go in there and charge them with their treach¬ 
ery— {exits, right) 

{Enter Servant and Shirley, center.) 

Ser. I’ll tell Mrs. Banker, {exits, left) 

Shir. Dear, old Martha. How surprised she’ll 
be when I tell her I came here to meet the man who 
is visiting her. I simply could not stand it any 
longer. I love Jim. Ah, those happy times we 
spent studying in the library together in Paris, he 
never guessed my name. I’ve only been Shirley to 
him. I was afraid that he might find out that I was 
the only daughter of Charles Shirley, and make love 
to me for my money, {laughs) I made him believe 
I was a poor student, just as he was; and yet he 
loves me. His letters show that. They have all 
been addressed to Shirley, Box 76, New York. I 
had Arthur forward them to me. 

{Re-enter Banker, right. Goes to desk.) 

B. {talking to himself) I’m going to look for 
more evidence in this desk before I charge them 
with their treachery, {fumbles through desk) 

Shir. How do you do? 

B. {preoccupied) Yes, of course. 

S. Don’t you remember me—the girl with the 
queer name—Shirley Shirley of Shirley, Mass. 

B. {forced cordiality, shakes Shirley’s hand so 


16 TROUBLES BY MAIL 

hard she winces) How do you do? Nice day, isn’t 
it? 

S. Mr. Banker. 

B. (recovering himself) I beg your pardon. I 
was busy. I didn’t expect you. 

S. I really invited myself. How’s Martha? 

B. She’s pretty well. She’s—ah—busy. 

S. Everybody’s busy ? 

B. The way of the world. Have a drink. I 
mean, a smoke. 

S. {aside) He’s queer. 

B. I mean your hat—take it off. 

S. Thank you. {takes hat off) 

{Enter Mrs. Banker, right.) 

B. You have such pretty hair. 

S. {laughing) You have a sweet tongue. 

Mrs. B. {aside) Insolence, {exits, right) 

B. {at left exit) This way. 

S. Thank you. {exits, left) 

B. You can have the red room, {exits, left) 

{Enter Jim, right.) 

J. {whisper) Where. 

Mrs. J. They’re gone. 

J. I cannot believe it of Jim. 

Mrs. B. I couldn’t either, even when she tele¬ 
phoned she wanted him, but that letter- 

J. Yes, of course- 

Mrs. J. And those loving speeches that I over¬ 
heard just now in this very room. 

J. He said? 

Mrs. B. Enough to prove our marriage a 
mockery. 

J. He loved you. 




TROUBLES BY MAIL 


17 


Mrs. J. Love? He knows nothing of it. Come 
with me and hear how the faithless wretch regards 
his love for me. ( exits, left) 

J. Not for a thousand dollars would I listen to 
her. (Jim is back stage, right) 

(Enter Shirley, center, fixing hair. She does not 

see Jim.) 

J. (aside) Shirley. My Shirley, (to Shirley) 
Ahem. 

S. (starts) Jim. (then coldly turns back and 
goes to chair, right of table, in which she sits) Oh, 
how do you do, Mr. Guest. 

J. Mr. Guest, Shirley? 

S . (still fixing hair) Miss Shirley please, if you 
must address me at all. 

J. I don’t understand. 

S. (angrily ) What ? 

J. After all the letters that we’ve written- 

S. May I ask if you showed all of yours to Mr. 
Banker before sending them to me? 

J. Showed them to Jim? I don’t understand. 

S. Don’t you? Your letter- 

J. Let me explain. 

S. Written to his wife, he tells me. 

J. But, Shirley, listen- 

S. You betrayed your friend’s hospitality, and 
while amusing yourself with me you- 

J. You don’t understand. 

S. Flirt with another woman, the wife of your 
best friend, an old flame. 

J. Please listen. 

S. Oh, Mr. Banker has told me all—the tele¬ 
phone bet, the note- 

J. But- 

S. Listen— No. Hear me out. I had come to 








i8 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


New York to meet you. You had written you were 
visiting here, little knowing that Mrs. Banker was 
my best friend. I came here ( begins to cry) to tell 
you that I loved you and was ready to marry you— 

J. Oh, Shirley. 

S. To throw myself at your head; but what do I 
find? A flirtation with your host’s wife. I’m glad 
I found you out before it was too late. I’m going 
home. ( exits center) 

J. ( following) Shirley. Shirley. ( comes front) 
I bet Jim a letter would cause jealousy. I win— 
and lose the dearest girl in all the world. ( with 
sudden determination) I’m going home, (exits, 
right) 

(Enter, left, Mr. and Mrs. Banker. Mrs. 
Banker carries a handbag. She is viciously 
pinning a big hat on her head. The hat is on 
the side.) 

Mrs. B. I’m going home, (puts bag on the floor 
while she arranges hat) 

B. Martha, I explained- 

Mrs. B. You’re explanation did not explain. 
Your infidelity is infamous. 

B. (sulkily) No worse than yours. That letter 
from Jim. 

Mrs. B. But I explained- 

B. The letter required no explanation. It spoke 
for itself, (telephone bell rings) 

Mrs. B. It was a mistake, (telephone bell rings) 

B. That I found it, I suppose. 

Mrs. B. It was not for me. (telephone bell 
rings) 

B. Answer that ’phone. 

Mrs. B. Not even please, now. (telephone bell 
rings) 




TROUBLES BY MAIL 


19 


B. Oh, well. Please then. ( sarcastically ) You 
may find out that Shirley wants me. ( telephone 
bell rings) 

Mrs. B. She can't telephone. She’s here. ( tele¬ 
phone bell rings very loudly) 

B. Nevertheless you’ll probably find out that 
Shirley wants me. You’re afraid to answer it. 

Mrs. B. Afraid. Nonsense. ( picks up tele¬ 
phone) Hello. What? Yes, he’s here. (to 
Banker) Shirley does want you. (offers tele¬ 
phone to Banker) Here. 

B. No. In fairness to me, find out for yourself 
how injust you’ve been. 

Mrs. B. (talking in telephone) Yes. Just a mo¬ 
ment. Lie’s coming. (to Banker) Please. 
(Banker shakes head) Well, this is Mrs. Banker. 
I’ll take the message. Tell him that you’ve bought 
Shirley. I don’t understand. Tell him that you’ve 
bought the trotter Shirley. Thank you. Good-bye. 
(to Banker) Jim, what does this mean? 

J. Simply that I’ve bought the famous trotting 
mare Shirley for a birthday present for you. The 
girl you heard was the long distance operator, telling 
me that Shirley, Mass., wanted to speak with me. 

Mrs. B. I did—didn’t understand. 

B. Furthermore, will you kindly open that letter 
marked Shirley on the envelope and read it. 

Mrs. B. It isn’t necessary. 

B. Pardon me, it is necessary—in justice to me. 
(Mrs. Banker opens the letter and reads) 

B. Well? 

Mks. B. Jim, I’m wrong. 

B. And you’re wrong about that other letter 
from Shirley. Believe it or not as you will. I 
know nothing of it. It was not meant for me. 

Mrs. B. I do believe you. 


20 


TROUBLES BY MAIL 


B. (producing letter) But this letter—who is it 
from? 

(Enter Jim, right.) 

J. I wrote that. 

B. ( satisfied) There. There doesn’t seem to be 
much more to be said, (to Jim) Except that I 
want to know why you wrote that' letter. 

J. (nervously) I cannot explain- 

Mrs. B. You must explain, Jim. 

J. I can’t. 

(Enter Servant, center , with telegram for Jim.) 

B. You’re convicting yourself by this silence. 

Jim. (reading) Hurray, Auntie’s dead, (dances 
a jig) 

B. and Mrs. B. What? 

J. And she’s left me a million. 

Mrs. B. I don’t understand- 

J. (reading telegram) Provided I marry within 
six days after her funeral. Hurrah, (rushes about 
shaking hands with Mr. and Mrs. Banker) 

B. Stop. Tell us- 

J. Not till after I’ve seen Shirley, (exits, center) 

B. There’s some misunderstanding. 

Mrs. B. Jim, I never saw that letter before you 
•showed it to me. Won’t you believe me, Jim? 

B. Martha, I do believe you. (goes to embrace 
her) 

Mrs. B. No, not yet. That letter you asked me 
about this afternoon. Not until you have read it. 
Here, (hands it to Banker) 

B. (offers it back) I don’t need to read it. I 
trust you. 

Mrs. B. In justice to me, read it. 

B. (reads) And so that is why you wouldn’t 





TROUBLES BY MAIL 


21 


show it to me. Martha, you’re a darling. ( goes 
to desk and writes check) 

(Enter Shirley and Jim. Both very happy and 
both very much mussed.) 

S. We’ve come to tell you that we want your 
blessing. 

Mrs. B. ( gushingly) Shirley. 

B. ( slapping Jim on the back) Jim. 

Mrs. B. ( taking Shirley, right) Tell us how 
it all happened. 

S. You see, Jim dropped some notes. 

B. You dropped some notes. 

J. They caused troubles. 

S. Troubles By Mail. 


CURTAIN. 


























